


Problems that Happen During War

by cisselah



Series: Problems that Happen During War [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Cultural Differences, Drama, Gen, Help?, How Do I Tag, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I don't know what I'm doing, Iwagakure Ninja, Kid Hatake Kakashi, i think, may delete later
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:07:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21690748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cisselah/pseuds/cisselah
Summary: Look, it's not like Kakashi meant to marry the Iwa-nin. He wasn't even aware it was possible until his opponent gasped and blurred out: "I demand a divorce!".As one could expect, the battlefield faltered a bit at that.
Series: Problems that Happen During War [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1658863
Comments: 38
Kudos: 542
Collections: A Collection of Beloved Inserts





	Problems that Happen During War

**Author's Note:**

> It's almost 7 a.m and I haven't slept and I've got a million fanfics on my computer that I'm too much of a coward to publish so I'm publishing this one and going to bed and tomorrow I will wake up and look at this and cry and possible delete it and cuddle my teddy bear and cry some more.
> 
> I dunno, I'm too tried to think more about this. so yay. my first published ao3 fanfic. *fireworks and happy noises*

Look, it's not like Kakashi meant to marry the Iwa-nin. He wasn't even aware it was _possible _until his opponent gasped and blurred out: _"I demand a divorce!"_.

As one could expect, the battlefield faltered a bit at that.

"What." Kakashi says blankly, because, really, what the fuck?

"A divorce! I demand a divorce! I want a divorce! I'm not staying married to a _Konoha-nin!"_ The Iwa kunoichi wails and there's a very notable hysterical tone to her voice that Kakashi doesn't know whether to be insulted or relieved about.

"What are you talking about?!" he demands, gripping his tantō tightly in case this is another dirty Iwa-nin trick. It must be an Iwa-nin trick. It makes no sense otherwise. Kakashi is ten, a genius and prodigy unlike any other, and he knows for a fact he's never seen this girl before in his entire life - much less married her - so unless there's something he's missing (and he rather doubts this, because he's Kakashi Hatake, he misses nothing) there's absolutely no reason for this kunoichi to start wailing about divorcing him in the middle of a battlefield.

The kunoichi ignores him. "Battle-field married... to a Konoha-nin! I'm gonna get disowned for this!" she whimpers, eyes overflowing with horrified tears.

She's clearly insane, Kakashi decides, hesitating with his tantō half-raised, uncertain about the protocol for battling crazy love-sick enemy kunoichis. (He's certain the Shinobi Handbook said something about this, but he just can't remember what)

It's too bad the other Iwa-nin doesn't think so.

"Oh Sage's tits! Tsuki-chan, did he sever your marriage-band?" one of the Iwa-nin gasps, looking sick at the very thought of this - whatever _this_ is.

"My life is over!" the kunoichi wails in agreement, having long ago abandoned all resemblance of dignity in favor of cradling the torn red ribbon against her chest, crying hysterically about 'how it isn't fair' and 'she's a cradle-robber now, what would her mother say?'.

By now, the entire battlefield has stopped and is gawking at them like they can't believe what's happening. Kakashi can't blame them, because he can hardly believe it himself, but evidently, it's happening, right now - to _him_ \- and the weight of everyone's stares makes his ears burn bright red hot.

Kakashi hasn't felt this embarrassed since he was six and accidentally skewered his own foot with a kunai.

"Ehm..." his Konoha superior says awkwardly, clearly at lost at what to do now the enemy is having a marriage-related breakdown in the midst of battle. Normally, this would be the optimal opportunity for attack, because the enemy ninja seem to be alternating between trying to comfort their comrade and just quietly freaking out, but there's something so... weird... about this that it feels odd to ruin the moment by attempting a surprise attack.

His superior apparently agrees, because he lowers his katana until the tip is brushing the ground, and with an odd grimace, says: "Alright, what the fuck, Ichikawa?"

The Iwa-nin captain makes a grimace of his own. He pulls a hand through his scarecrow-hair, messing it up even further. There are tiny bits of blood and dirt in it, and dazedly Kakashi wonders if it's from one of the earth jutsus their side has been throwing around like candy canes.

"Look, Shimura," the Iwa-nin says amiably, casually crushing about half of Kakashi's world views with a handful of words. "It's not like I don't want to continue beating you up until you're crying for your mommy - because believe me, I do - it's just that battle-field marriage is a big deal in Iwa, so we're gonna have to put a stop on our little love-brawl for now." Then, so quietly Kakashi isn't sure he's meant to hear it, Ichikawa mutters under his breath, "Fucking kids, what the hell are they doing? I told them not to bring their motherfucking marriage-bands into battle... _never fucking listens_..."

"Explain," Kakashi's superior (whose last name is apparently Shimura) bites out shortly, indicating his levels of patience is rapidly draining and heading towards _'decapitate the asshole'_ and '_salt and burn the earth and piss on his corpse'_.

The Iwa-nin - Ichikawa - raises an eyebrow sarcastically.

"Whoa, Shimura," he drawls acridly. "That eager to go back to _crossing swords_ with me? You really like me _that_ much? I'm flattered, Konoha, I really am, but maybe you should aim for _your own weight-class,_ you know?"

"I will cut your head off and use it as a paperweight." Captain Shimura says flatly. "I'm not kidding, Ichikawa. I'll display it on my desk."

"That's awfully _kinky_ of you," the Iwa-nin smirks. "Also, seriously, Shimura-hime, what's with your fascination with my _head?_ You haven't even see it... _yet."_

_"Head. Paperweight."_ Shimura growls, allowing the tip of his sword to rise from the ground threateningly, but despite the violence in his voice and body, his eyes look oddly tolerant of the Iwa-nin's antics, maybe even a little playful or amused.

"Damn, Shimura, you're always such a _quick draw_. So disappointing. I mean, is it really that _hard _for you to wait?" Ichikawa leers, and from somewhere to to his right, one of the Iwa-nins whimpers something that sounds suspiciously like; 'oh earthen gods, he's doing it again'.

Not for the first time, Kakashi has the uncomfortable feeling he's missing something. It has to be something to do with 'quick draw' and 'hard', because the very deliberate pronunciation Ichikawa puts on it indicates they are really code words for something else, although Kakashi has no idea what.

(For a short moment in time, he contemplates the possibility of Captain Shimura being an Iwa plant, then dismisses it immediately. The Shimura clan has belonged to Konoha since the founding days, and is very respected (in fact, Kakashi vaguely recalls something about Shimura's father being a highly placed government official) and besides, if Captain Shimura was a secret spy for Iwa, he wouldn't exchange code words with a contact in front of his entire Konoha squad, especially not when the code words are so obvious)

"Jealous, Ichikawa?" Captain Shimura sneers in response, curling his upper lip up to show a handful of white teeth. "I mean, I suppose every second has got to count when you've got difficulties finding your _sword_."

A konoha kunoichi to Kakashi's right groans. "Damn it, Yoshito. Why do you have to respond... _every single time I swear_..." she mutters, exasperated.

Ichikawa grins like a spider unwrapping a fly. "Why, why, dear Captain Shimura, it hardly matters when I've got _you_ to find _it_ for me."

Kakashi is about 95% sure the enemy just insinuated Captain Shimura is his maid. It's obviously not correct, but for some reason the Iwa-nin and Konoha-nin seem to be trading exasperated looks, leading Kakashi to believe this is not the first time this has happened.

(Maybe the entire squad is full of Iwa-nin plants? That would certainly explain why Sensei placed Kakashi under Captain Shimura's care for border patrol instead of taking Kakashi with him to the eastern front. He must have suspected this and sent Kakashi to suss things out, although that doesn't sound entirely right either. If Minato-sensei knew something was up with Captain Shimura's squad, then surely, he would have briefed Kakashi about it before he sent him here to serve under a potential traitor?)

(Unless, of course, Sensei thought he was too bad an actor to keep the act up if he knew)

"Do you want to talk or not?" Shimura grits his teeth, looking about ready to erupt into a colorful explosion of violence at any moment now. Silently, Kakashi frowns to himself, because aggravating opponent or not, Captain Shimura is a jonin and should know better than to take the enemy's bait when said enemy is clearly needling him.

(Rule number 2: a shinobi must never show any weakness)

Surprisingly, Shimura's near loss of temper seems to sober the enemy captain up.

"Marriage-bonds are sacred to us, Shimura," he says seriously, watching Kakashi's captain with unreadable, intensely dark eyes. "Back in the Warring States, the clans of the Land of Earth used to wear them around their necks in case they fell in love with someone from an enemy clan. The idea was that if the enemy cut the bond but not the throat, they loved you enough to miss purposely in battle, and thus were immediately battle-married. From thereon, the only one allowed to engage one of the spouses was their significant other, and because married couples could not be forced to kill their spouses according to ancient clan laws, this ensured a certain 'untouchability' for the couple in question. This was necessary to prevent certain... _sticky situations_ that often arose inside a clan when one of the lovers where killed. Of course, this also meant that while neither clan could kill the two lovers, the married couple in question could still kill whomever they wished to, leading most clans to solve this matter by... _ahem_... _acquiring_ the enemy spouse for safe keeping. Eventually, these traditions evolved into-"

Kakashi has no idea how to convey just how little he cares about this and feels absolutely no shame about drifting off slightly during Ichikawa's long-winded explanation.

Just get to the point, old man!

"-nowadays marriage bonds aren't often brought into battle unless the bride already has someone in mind or is skilled enough not to get it accidentally cut, but as I mentioned earlier, my subordinates are prideful, romantic idiots..." He aims a glare at the sniveling girl. "... and thus we have this problem. Now, if we claim divorce rights during the same battle as the bond is cut, we can negotiate up an invalidation of the marriage and go our separate ways, thus spare both our villages a lot of trouble and shame. However, if we leave this battle without doing so, the marriage will be valid and binding, meaning that your little hellcat over there is going to have to come with us."

A cold tear runs down Kakashi's spine and abruptly he snaps back into attentions. He knows he hasn't been the best subordinate, short and derisive as he is, but Sensei had entrusted Kakashi to Captain Shimura, and surely Captain Shimura wouldn't risk Minato-sensei's wrath just to get rid of him?

A cruel whisper in the back of his head says no, if he was a loyal Konoha-nin, of course he wouldn't, but if he really is an Iwa-nin plant, this would be the perfect opportunity to get rid of Kakashi, wouldn't it?

"Absolutely unacceptable." Captain Shimura says decisively, crushing Kakashi's fears without even knowing it.

"Agreed," Captain Ichikawa sneers, throwing a disdainful look at Kakashi that clearly tells everyone that no, Ichikawa does not want that brat near his village and yes, he's absolutely willing to kill people to prevent it from setting foot on his precious Land of Earth.

The feeling is mutual, Kakashi thinks and glares back.

Their impromptu staring-match is interrupted by the silent sound of Captain Shimura re-sheathing his sword at his waist.

"Well then, Ichikawa," Captain Shimura says with a grin that's more a wild baring of teeth than a real smile. "Let's parley."

-*-  


It turns out that divorce-negotiations are far more bothersome than getting married. The whole thing mostly consists of Captain Shimura wanting the marriage is terminated immediately and Captain Ichikawa insisting that the wronged party (meaning Iwa) is compensated with a goat. Shimura in turn demands two goats for the mental and emotional torture that comes with negotiating with an "Iwa-nin idiot", which prompts Ichikawa into demanding two sacks of rice as well as payment for being kind and patience enough not to just "throw an earth jutsu into the face of you subpar tree-huggers and snatching the little white-haired shit up to take home".

"Three goats and an umbrella!" Captain Shimura screams in the Iwa-nin's face from somewhere to Kakashi's right. "And a formal apology for being such a thick-headed, mud-splattered, inconceivably stupid donkey arse that refuses to put on a shirt that doesn't fucking show everything to the entire world all the time!"

"You are aware that this is my uniform, right?!" Ichikawa shouts back, his voice thundering in Kakashi's ears. "I'm literally wearing the same thing as everyone else, and I don't see you complaining about them, you jealous wanker. Admit it! You're just pissed because you spend so much time staring at my biceps that you get distracted in the middle of a fight! And no goats! You're the one paying us! _We're_ the ones doing _you_ a favor by not kidnapping your baby brat from his cradle!"

_"You're_ the reason we're in this situation to begin with! And _we're_ the one's doing _you_ a favor by stopping you from wasting resources trying to appropriate one of my _highly skilled_ elite shinobis through your usual clumsy means!"

"Ha! Go and hug a tree, Konoha!" Ichikawa thrills in a fake friendly tone.

"Stick your face in mud, Iwa!" Captain Shimura shoots back in a decidedly _not_ friendly tone.

And so on and on it goes.

Meanwhile, the Iwa-nin have, with the practiced ease of people who have seen this countless times already and has absolutely no intention of watching it a_gain, _set up a small gambling-table of compact dirt and are in the process of dealing out cards among themselves (and some of the more curious and daring Konoha-nins) in some complicated kind of game called _Shake-My-World. _From what Kakashi can see, it mostly consists of hiding cards up your sleeve, swapping them out with your opponent's and hitting the people caught doing so in the face with the back of your hand.

Also, there seems to be some sort of countdown, because once in a while, all players will rapidly pound their fists against the table three times, then one seemingly random person will turn around and backhand their neighbor as loudly as they can.

"What the fuck are they doing?" An Uchiha mutters perplexedly from behind him, seemingly uncomprehending in the face of such violent stupidity.

Kakashi does not answer. He suspects it was what one might call a 'rhetorical question' and therefore he should not answer it. Besides, he's too busy observing the Iwa-nin animal in its natural habitat as well as re-firming his long-standing belief that all shinobi - except for Konoha shinobi of course - are batshit insane.

(Resolutely he ignores his captain's increasingly loud voice that insists that _yes, he really is demanding that you get down on your knees and shove an umbrella down your throat, you goddamn rock-face, because that is more likely to happen than Konoha handing over one ounce of their tobacco, are you out of your mind, Iwa!?_ because there's always an exception to the rule somewhere. Always.)

Meanwhile, the Iwa-nin has seemingly teamed up with the goal of delivering as many slaps as possible to the two poor Konoha shinobi who are also sitting at the table. From the looks of it, Iwa is winning. As Kakashi watches, one of the Iwa-nin's slams down three cards on the table, screams "Rock-slide!" and then precedes to start banging her fist frantically on the table. Like a line of trained monkeys, the other Iwa-nin immediately follow suit, while the two Konoha-nin frantically try to keep up by banging harder and louder than anyone else in the circle.

They look utterly ridiculous. Kakashi feels shamed just watching them.

Suddenly, without any detectable cue, one of the Iwa-nin whips around with a great big grin on her face and rears her hand back, cackles madly, then smacks the dark-haired Konoha-nin so hard he flies out of the seat and accidentally kills the ground.

"UNSEATED!" the Iwa-nin howls in triumph, swinging up her offending hand to show of the redness of her palm. The rest of the table explodes in howls and cheers, laughing and celebrating as the Iwa-nin regally sticks her chin up, proud. Almost immediately, the knocked-down Konoha-nin bounces back up again, dazed-looking and red in the face, but still coherent enough to fight for what tattered shreds of honor Konoha has left.

It's like watching a treetop-ambush on a pair of Kusa-nin. Kakashi almost feels sorry for him, except he is clearly an idiot who should have been left out to dry a long time ago.

"Do that again to my face, you bitch!" the Konoha-nin screams in her face.

Unsurprisingly, the Iwa-nin does. This time, the blow only makes him stagger.

"Fucking bitch!" the Konoha-nin screams at somebody far, far away. His eyes almost cross from the effort to keep them focused.

"I know you are," the Iwa-nin coos, crinkling her lips up in a smug smile. "And I'm sure your goat-humping ancestors is proud of the upgrade. Then again, dogs are pretty much the only thing that will kneel over for one such as yourself."

It takes the ninja perhaps two seconds to comprehend the insult.

"I will kill you!" He screams and is forcibly pulled back by two of his friends, both of whom look exasperatingly tired with this shit.

The Iwa-nin blows him a kiss, then turns back to the table. "Okay, boys, where were we? Oh, that's right... Bridge of Dreams. Haku, your turn to set."

The remaining Konoha-nin trembles.

-*-

"Well then, Konoha, I suppose this is goodbye," Ichikawa's eyes crinkle.

"Go and die in a ditch, Ichikawa," Shimura deadpans in a manner befitting of a Konoha Captain. He turns around and marches away, showing Ichikawa his back in an astonishing last insult.

Ichikawa cackles.

"See you next battle, beautiful!" he hollers at the retreating Konoha-nin, waving gleefully at them as they go. "And remember - divorce is only an option during the first battle!"

Shimura stops dead mid-step.

He spins around, eyes wide and horrified, and barks out: "Wait! Daichi, what the fuck do you mean!? You-... We-... YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU TOLD ME IT WAS INVALID! YOU TOLD ME IT DIDN'T COUNT! ARE WE MARRIED?! ANSWER ME, IWA-SCUM! ARE WE MARRIED!"

But Ichikawa is already gone, disappearing into the trees with the rest of his ilk, cackling madly as he goes.

"ICHIKAWA, COME BACK NOW AT ONCE YOU COWARD!" Captain Shimura shrieks in desperate indignation.

Ichikawa, predictably, does not.

-*-  


"Oh, you back now. I was getting worried. How was patrol?" Sensei calls from the kitchen as the smell of warm noodles and pork washes into the hall. Above the sound of clankering porcelain and glass, Kakashi can just about hear the sound of That Woman's mad giggles.

_Great. Company._

"I got married." Kakashi rapports dully as he hangs his vest up in the hallway, half-wishing sensei had already eaten so they could just spar instead.

The sound from the kitchen halts. Suddenly Sensei is very close and very quiet.

"What." Minato Namikaze says very, very mildly in the same voice he uses when he's about to kill lots of people in lots of different ways.

Kakashi stares at him unimpressed.

"Affirmative," he says. "Captain Shimura had to trade me back from Iwa with three goats and a sack of rice."

Sensei blinks. Behind him, Kushina Uzumaki lingers in the doorway with a hand slapped over her mouth, shoulders quivering like’s she’s drowning. Kakashi scans her briefly, then decides the annoying woman is irrelevant and therefore to be ignored.

"What?" Sensei asks like he can't believe what he's hearing. Kakashi bristles, then decides to throw his superior under the bus (it's technically his fault anyway).

"Yes. Unfortunately, the last date for the annulment of Captain Shimura's own battlefield marriage had passed, so he's heading straight for the Paperwork Office now to consult the people there for additional options. I believe he is not an Iwa spy after all."

There's a brief moment of silence.

"You know what." Sensei finally says. "Next time you're coming with me to the front."

**Author's Note:**

> When I wrote this I just imagined Kakashi being an absolute disaster that is super clever and a brilliant shinobi but just continues to accidentally get married to his enemies on the battlefield and it's always just as awkward until finally everybody just assumes somebody is getting married if they're going on a mission with Kakashi and Konoha's T&I just publishes a handbook on how not to get married to their enemies and distribute it among the shinobi crops for free. 
> 
> somebody write this, i'm too cowardly to do it.
> 
> also, i'm imagining captain shimura as danzo's son/grandson who just never actually manages to get that divorce because of paperwork issues (somebody just keeps 'accidentally' misfiling the paperwork) and that's why Danzo is so grumpy all the time. the end.
> 
> EDIT: Thank you for the many kind reviews and kudos and general love and support I've gotten! I've now fixed some grammar and spelling in the text and also I think I managed to make this a series, so yay! I hope you all enjoy! Thank all of you for being so kind to me!


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